Yes, but no. Tonight mom came over for dinner and immediately after her arrival she said she needs to new hearing aids. I know exactly zero about hearing aids, so said, “I’ll look into for you.” She responded with, “I see the ads on my phone for $140 ones, I want those.” “Why don’t we do a little research 1^st?” I said. “I don’t want the $10,000 ones!!” she said. “I hope we can find a middle ground,” I responded.

She then proceeds to walk over to my husband and tell him her opinion matters not just mine. Yes, it does. It’s also true that her decision-making ability is impaired. It is also true that hearing loss is a major driver of dementia.

It’s also true we live a predictable pattern:

1. She asks for my help.

2. She tells me who she knows that knows all about it and tells me they told her all about it but she can’t recall any of the details.

3. She tells me she doesn’t want me making the decision about the issue, is often combative when I offer suggestions and always wants someone else’s opinion.

4. She can’t make the decision or do the thing alone so comes back to me to get it done.

How am I both the care-taker and the one whose care she least wants? How I am the 1^st call and simultaneously the most unwanted responder? How is it I help her with anything complicated (and many uncomplicated things) and yet she always wants someone else to be part of the conversation?

Tires. Doctors. Bank account. Bills. Wasp nest. Where to buy shoes.

Mom is in an extremely frustrating (for me and I assume for her) stage of life. She can do the basics of life like get dressed, laundry, do a puzzle, play bridge, get gas.

She doesn’t learn new things easily or at all and her short-term memory is maybe 20%. We have the same conversations over and over not just during one visit but for weeks and months. It makes knowing how to help challenging.

She has a knack (thanks, dementia?) for being hyper-focused on one thing above all other things. For a while it was “wanting to move home” (not happening) then it was “needing to go to the cancer doctor” (she’s cancer free) and now it’s “I’m bored.” (Maybe so, but she walks 2xs a day with a neighbor, has daily lunch in the community building, goes to exercise on Mondays and Fridays, plays bridge on Thursdays, volunteers one a day a week in the garden. What more can we find?!)

From my vast (not at all) experience these foci last a few months. I can only assume its dementia slowly flowing in.

I want it to be a tsunami, the dementia. Or do I? In my imagination if her mind was completely gone, then we wouldn’t live in this tug of war all the time; she wouldn’t constantly challenge every bit of help she came to me seeking; she wouldn’t push me to my compassion limits.

I know I don’t know enough. More knowledge would help me be a better care-taker, a better responder. I am learning.

Imagination is often wrong I am aware. The full-on dementia will bring a new set of demands and challenges. It is coming but not tonight. Tonight I will research hearing aids.

Tomorrow I’ll drop kids at school, pick up the dog from boarding, do some work, call her insurance, then call her with some suggestions for places to go for hearing aids.  

I just hope she wants help tomorrow.